Richard Palachak
Fragments de nuit, inutiles et mal écrits
Saison 4
Les Bohémiens
Dans ces fragments, les mots slaves sont orthographiés pour être adaptés à une prononciation française
Fragment 6
En pleine post-crise de la Covid, y’a pas moyen de foutre les panards en Slovaquie. Le test virologique de moins de quarante huit heures, à la rigueur… mais les trois jours de quarantaine dans un gymnase, faut pas abuser ! Du coup, les vacances estivales avec les gamins se font en Tchéquie, pays « frère » où j’ai du réseau et dont j’entrave à peu près la langue.
A notre arrivée au lac de Tchèbone, à une portée de pistolet de Linz en Autriche, j’apprends que la réservation de notre hôtel a été annulée. La réceptionniste me donne un bout de papelard avec un numéro de bigo. Suffoqué j’appelle illico le pélo concerné ; la pêche est grosse comme un camion slovène :
-Allo ?
-Bonjour Kalache, c’est Lèoche.
-Ah… Quel plaisir de vous parler, mon ami.
-Quand j’ai appris que tu louais une chambre à Tchèbone, ça m’a fait de la peine. J’ai une confortable villa quinze rue Sidlichtè, à deux pas du centre-ville. Un de mes employés t’attend sur place pour te remettre les clés. Cette demeure est à la hauteur de ton importance. Tu peux y séjourner avec tes fils aussi longtemps que tu le souhaites.
-Je ne sais comment vous remercier, Lèoche. Le minimum serait que je règle les charges inhérentes à notre séjour.
-Il n’en est pas question, Kalache. J’en serais déshonoré.
-Comment puis-je vous rendre la pareille ?
-Il y a ce vote à Pilsen. Quinze minutes et c’est réglé. Je viendrai te chercher demain à dix heures en Lamborghini Urus, c’est mon nouveau jouet. Tu ne seras pas déçu du voyage.
-J’dois faire quoi au juste ?
-Écouter dix broquilles de baratin, voter « oui », puis empocher mille euros.
-Rien d’illégal ou de dangereux, rassurez-moi ?
-Est-ce que j’ai l’air d’un criminel, Kalache ?
-Non monsieur.
-Bien.
Le rodéo de Lambo restera dans les annales. : deux cent trente kilomètres heures sur des départementales de campagne, un litron de sueur envolé par la tremblotte, et pas un mot durant le trajet. Lèoche me dépose devant une tour vitrée de siège doré, puis il m’avoue qu’il ne peut pas venir avec moi, qu’il faut que je me présente à l’accueil et que je demande une certaine Kristina. Je serais alors guidé comme un chien par une saucisse. Courbant l’échine devant les instructions du bohémien, je pénètre dans un hall d’entrée sans fin dont la froideur et le plein de vide égalent nos églises en panne de bouffeurs d’hosties.
Au guichet tombal de l’entrée, l’hôtesse prend mon rencard et bigophone à la fameuse Kristina. Sans surpris, une bombasse débarque en tenue de working-girl « exciting. » Elle m’accueille comme si j’étais un PDG de multi-nationale malgré mon crâne rasé, mes tatouages et ma touche de hooligan décérébré. Je la suis jusqu’au cinquantième étage du gratte-ciel, vadrouillant dans des salles en plan, des ascenseurs au boyaux vides et des couloirs à sec.
Une fois dans la carrée du scrutin,
la fille me donne un seul bulletin,
marqué du « oui. »
Je le glisse dans une urne en métal à l’allure de coffre-fort.
Et seul dans mes bottes,
chatouillé par le vent qui s’abat sur ma tête d’épingle,
j’agriche mes milles euros.
Fragment 7
Lèoche me fixe un rendez-vous en banlieue de Tchèbone. Au beau milieu d’un quartier résidentiel huppé, j’aboule au pied d’un garage Expo de trois étages : étain, « design » et protégé comme une banque suisse.
Je taquine la sonnette et le birbe au chapeau Panama vient m’ouvrir avec un grand sourire. Il m’invite à l’intérieur du parcage et je découvre une prodigieuse collection de tacots Porsche, allant des modèles anciens les plus mythiques aux prototypes dernier cri les plus délirants. Bien que je me torche le cul de ces carrioles de luxe et de leur envoûtement prestigieux, je ne peux m’empêcher de jouer au ballot du vingt et unième siècle en leur tirant le portrait avec mon smartphone de branluchard.
Évidemment, pas un de ces bolides n’a jamais tâté du bitume. Y’a des gars qui se gargarisent la rétine avec des maquettes de charrettes mythiques bouclées dans des emballages en carton, Lèoche prend son panard à reluquer les versions réelles et grandeur nature depuis son spacieux bureau vitré, les pieds sur la table, une Pilsner Urquell à la main. Du haut de ce foyer translucide et central qui ouvre une vue panoramique sur les trois étages ouverts de la galerie, mon hôte me fait profiter du paysage automobile en me rinçant la dalle d’une binouze.
-Tu vois la Porsche rallye blanche et bleue là juste en bas, Kalache ?
-Ouais, la vieille avec plein d’autocollants.
-C’est une 959 Paris-Dakar de 1985. On m’en a proposé cinq millions l’an dernier.
-Quoi ?
-Il s’agit d’une voiture de groupe B transformée pour le désert, équipée d’un moteur 3.0 Carrera. Ce modèle fait partie des dix Porsche les plus chères de tous les temps.
-Putain ! Mais comment t’arrives à te payer ce genre de bagnole ?
-J’étais patron d’une usine Skoda sous l’ancien régime. Aujourd’hui je fais des affaires dans des domaines divers et variés : fabrication de climatisations pour les trains français, construction d’aquaparcs en Pologne ou production de composants pour les batteries des cellulaires. Une leçon à retenir : dans le business Kalache, il ne faut jamais mettre tous ses œufs dans le même panier, car s’il mord la poussière tu te retrouves sur la paille.
-Clims, aquaparcs et batteries ? C’est un foutu bastringue…
-Et ce n’est pas tout. Tu ne t’en rends pas compte, mais les français sont blindés de produits tchèques en permanence.
-En effet, j’ai jamais fait gaffe.
-Au fait, pendant que j’y pense, j’ai une broutille pour toi.
L’ancien m’allonge une enveloppe pleine à craquer de biffetons. J’ouvre avec indélicatesse et compte les coupures une à une.
-Mais y’a dix milles couronnes, Lèoche. J’peux pas accepter.
-Ce n’est qu’une bricole, ça me fait plaisir de te voir.
-Tu m’offres dix mille couronnes parce que ça te fait plaisir de me voir
-Oui.
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